Full disclosure: this is my most vulnerable post yet.
My Sunday’s typically look the same. I spend them going to church to worship my good, good Father. However, on a (recent) particular Sunday I found myself taking the walk of shame to my local Kaiser pharmacy to purchase a ‘day after’ pill with the goal of removing all evidence of the activities that were done the day before.
To be honest, I’ve been avoiding writing on my site for months because I really needed to figure somethings out before I spilled my guts in a post. As someone who writes based off of my experiences, it’s been really difficult to write about ANYTHING when I’ve been keeping this to myself.
Anyway’s it’s time to come clean because the shit I’ve been doing has been toxic. It’s literally been a lethal poison spreading throughout my life and it’s time to take control.
The last thing I want to do is share this and have everyone in my business, but this site is my ministry. I’m transparent because I know the power it holds. It can set you and me free!
So now let’s get into my truth…
Remember that article, “I’m Single, Saved, Celibate and I Want To Have Sex” that I wrote? Well, my wish was finally answered because your girl (I’m your girl) had sex. Several times, actually. And to make matters worse is that this guy isn’t someone I was even in a relationship with. I mean we dated years ago and coincidentally, he was the last person I had sex with before I stopped 6 years ago.
Y’all I’m sending out an SOS because I’ve been traveling down a ROUGH ROAD. Since March, I’ve been spiraling downhill, but recently I’ve finally hit rock bottom.
Man, I have A LOT to tell y’all and I don’t even know where to begin. So in order to make this easier for myself, I’m going to share the revelations/ lessons I’ve learned these past few months of being sexually active.
You Don’t Have To Start Over Just Because You Fell
My initial feelings after the FIRST time I had sex, was shame. Shame for succumbing to temptation but also for having to start my celibacy count all over again. But God quickly checked me on that. He told me that every fall doesn’t lead to you starting over. For instance, every time you sin, you don’t have to get saved all over again. No, you get back up, repent and then follow Christ. The same applies to celibacy.
The Soul Tie Aint Worth The Night Of Fun
Sis, let me tell you the soul tie is too heavy to carry for a night of fun. Let me make this clear, it ain’t worth it. The guilt, burden and emotional connection last far longer than the few hours of getting it in.
A Step Backwards Reopens Old Wounds & You Have To Go Through The Healing Process From The Beginning
Whew chile! This has been the most difficult area to recover from. My past relationships completely broke me and it took YEARS to heal from them. Once I started having sex with my ex, all those wounds that were once beautifully healed opened right back up. Every single time I had sex, I had to go through the healing process all over again. It freaking SUCKED and hurt like the first time.
It’s Impossible To Enter Something New When Holding Onto Your Past
Before I gave my life to Christ as an adult, I was popping. Like all the daddy’s wanted me. But after I got married to my bridegroom (Christ) all that male attention went away for YEARS. My well was so dry that I started to think I was ugly, so Ayesha Curry I feel your struggle girlfriend. However, a few months ago, God took his beautiful daughter (me) out of hiding and your girl has been a HOT commodity in these streets. In fact, a few really great guys came on my radar but it’s been hard for those to become something real. I know that being physically attached to someone else has been the culprit. Before the last time I had sex which led to me taking that ‘day after’ pill, God warned me to not do it. (Wait, let me paint the picture, God warned me as me and this guy were already in the bed together. He was sleep when God told me to stop before I even started) And it wasn’t “a don’t sin” warning. It was more like don’t do it because I’m about to send you someone. However, any man that’s entered my life hasn’t stayed long due to insecurity birthed from what I was doing behind closed doors.
Get Your Healing
Sis, don’t turn your cheek to what’s hurt you or better yet, how you’ve hurt yourself. Because let’s be honest, sometimes the pain is self-inflicted. Face the pain head-on, GET YOUR HEALING and GROW!
Impatience Leads To Rash Decisions
When you’re not satisfied with God’s timing in your life, you’ll make hasty decisions when certain opportunities present itself.
Get A Community Who You Can Be Open With
Look, even Jesus didn’t do life alone. So you definitely can’t. Build a community of God-fearing, REAL people that you can share your life struggles with. They’ll help you get your life together. You don’t have to go through life alone.
Let Him Go, Sis
Look, you gotta drop him like the bad habit he is. You won’t be able to move forward or turn away from sin if you keep him in your life. BLOCK him and anyone who has enough power to send you back down that rabbit hole. In the past ten days, I’ve blocked every man I’ve dated and I just deleted Snapchat because Snapchat is a trap!
There are tons of people who reach out to me across all my platforms to discuss their struggles and victories in their purity walk, to those and beyond I’m so sorry if I’ve let you down. I hope that you can have peace in knowing that what I’ve done won’t be in vain.
Upperroom sings the song ‘Surrounded”. And in the lyrics of the song, it talks about how to fight your battles. Well, my pen and complete transparency are how I fight my battles. It’s also how I help others fight theirs.
Ministry isn’t easy and it’s not always the most convenient. We make a lot of mistakes because we’re human. However, when you’re surrendered and intentional about ditching sin, God can use what was bad for good (Romans 8:28). I’m using my story as a tool to bring other people out of the darkness. I hope that whoever needs to hear what I said, hears it and is blessed.
For me, the final stage of healing has always been to write it out. Thank you, God, for giving me the words to share my story.
If you want prayer or to talk about your own struggles, hit me up at monique@withlovebylove! I’d love to pray and talk with you. God has already given me the chance to pray with some ladies who are going through the same thing and BABY it’s been so freeing!