I’ve had the convo on when and how to tell the man you’re talking to that you’re celibate with many of my girlfriends. Tons of my lovely readers have either emailed or DM’d me asking these very questions. So I said, let’s take it to the blog because I’ve realized that there’s a lot of questions behind when and how to have the sex talk. Equally, there’s fear — fear of not being on the same page and not hearing what you want from him — behind having this important conversation.
There’s no guarantee with dating. It’s all trial and error based until you find that ONE who’s equally yoked with you and who’s just worth spending your life with. It’s crazy to think that you can date many people only to find one that actually works. When I think of the sex talk, I think of it as one of the several ways that helps you to narrow down that list of potentials to finding that one. Though it can be disappointing that a man you’re interested in, isn’t on the same page as you, it’s important info to know because for many of us, it’s a deal breaker.
Love, promise me one thing, don’t avoid the conversation just so that you can have a man. Avoiding it, won’t do you any good in the long run because you’ll either lose out on who you fell for or you will fold on your beliefs.
So let’s get into the when…
Most people start sleeping with each other somewhere between the 2nd and 4th date. And for that it’s best to tell him where you stand once y’all have established that you’re going to be dating each other, whether exclusively or not. Having that talk is terrifying because you just don’t know where he may stand. But it’s better to speak your truth early on rather than wait until you’re emotionally invested just to spare yourself in the event that he isn’t on the same page as you.
I remember one time I didn’t have the convo until we were 2 months in when he brought it up, I couldn’t tell him that I was waiting until marriage because my heart was already sold on this guy. I didn’t want to lose him just because we had different sexual expectations. Y’all I ended up breaking my celibacy for this man.
I assumed that just because he identified as a Christian that he was on the same “no sex before marriage” wave that I was on. And I felt that if the sex talk was important that he’d bring it up because “it was a man’s job”. You can’t assume that just because he’s Christian that he believes in the same thing that you do. Everyone interprets the Bible differently. I’ve heard many Bible reading Christians say that they don’t believe in the wait for sex.
We live in a world that’s overly saturated with sex. Sex is a common standard in dating for most people. So you can NOT leave it up to someone else to bring up the subject. Being celibate is a minority, therefore it’s your responsibility to yourself, your beliefs and upkeep to bring up the sex talk.
How to tell him?
I’d be rich if I had a dollar for every time I’ve been asked this question. JUST TELL HIM, LOVE. Ain’t no good in beating around the brush, because all that leads to is confusion on both parts. You have to be straight up and honest that you’re not having sex until marriage (or whenever you decide to have sex again). You can even tell him why you choose celibacy. Like for me, my commitment to not having sex with randoms anymore has to do with much more than my desire to be obedient to God.
I can count the number of people I’ve had sex with on both hands and once we became intimate, all relationships became the same. They were so addicted to having sex with me, that it became what the relationship was all about. And I hated that. I hated that men were loving me for what I could more than who I was. Other than Christ and not wanting to give another man something that’s reserved for my future husband, the main reason I gave up sex was because I was over being objectified. I told myself that I wasn’t having sex until someone truly loved me for the dope woman that I am. It’s important for me to share the why because it helps men to see where I came from, why I think the way that I do and that I’m not here for the games anymore.
So in conclusion, if you’re serious about being celibate and having a relationship that honors God in that way HAVE THAT TALK. Even if you’re the one bringing it up, do it. Take ownership and be proud of the decisions that you’ve made out of obedience to Christ in your life. Have the conversation early on in the relationship to avoid the possibility of unnecessary heartbreak and be straight up about what you’re doing (or not doing).
Don’t be ashamed or afraid. If y’all aren’t equally yoked in the area of sex, trust me there’s other deal breaking qualities/ beliefs rooted in that relationship. Walking away from one gets you closer to “the one”.
I hope this helped!
As always, you can leave a comment or email me directly, firstname.lastname@example.org, to chat or for prayer requests.
I love you! God loves you even more!