Starting over is hard.
It’s especially hard when you’ve gone a great distance in the right direction only to fall hard and end up at square one. Yet we’ve all found ourselves back at the chopping block ready to restart the journey of our lives. The good thing about a do-over is that you’re aware of the potholes so that you can avoid them on the next go-around AND you also have a road map to give the best direction to others.
That’s where I’m at in my life right now. I’ve done some things (had sex after being celibate for 6 years) that’s put me in the position of restarting my pursuit of honoring God with my body by not having sex.
With the desire to do better this time around, I’ve closely examined the potholes that have caused me to crash. So, today we’re addressing the BIGGEST pothole I’ve faced during my purity journey with the question, “is it enough for him to be celibate for you?”
In short my answer is NO. It’s NOT enough for a man to be celibate solely to respect your wishes.
There’s a laundry list of reasons why it’s a big capitalized NO but to spare your time, we’ll stick to #1 most relevant reason.
To protect yourself from stumbling
Before my nearly 7 year celibacy streak, I dated a few guys who respected my decision to not have sex until marriage. They were celibate by default of dating me. And though those men were chivalrous in their intentions, the moment I became weak they were READY to get it popping. Granted, they double, triple confirmed my wishes before being my genie. Needless to say, I’ve woke up many mornings regretfully flipping the calendar back to day one on this journey of purity. Oftentimes, it’s made me wonder, why I couldn’t get this celibacy thing right even though I’m doing it for the best reason— Christ, duh. Equally, how could I better protect myself from not stumbling in the future? I still wanted to date yet honor God with my body and not give any (not-so) random a sample of what is already the property of my future husband. Because babyyy, I think of my future hubby when I care for my body. (Does anyone else do that? Do you think I’m weird or extra? Let me know in the comments.)
This is may be hella redundant but being equally yoked in a relationship, whether seasonal or for a lifetime, is SOOO vital to the success of it. When your beliefs and standards align, the odds of upholding said beliefs throughout the duration of your relationship is so much higher. “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up” Ecclesiastes 4:9-10.
Had I dated men who were celibate out of obedience for Christ and had the Holy Spirit, I could trust that succumbing to my sexual desires would be a lot harder. Yes, you still may find yourself doing something you didn’t want to do because even the saints go too far at times, however you’d have two souls fighting for what’s right instead of just one.
So, to conclude and affirm my stance on this, a man should be celibate out of obedience to Christ rather than his desire for you. Although honored that he may want you so much that he’d be willing to halt his sexual escapes, it’s simply not enough.
Babe, you’re holding out in faith of Christ. You’re not abstaining simply because you want a man to fall for more than your body. Okay, that maybe part of the reason, but it’s not all of it. Having Christ in the equation is a huge deal because He’s the only way you’ll have enough strength to carry this thing out until your wedding. I’ve tried the celibacy thing countless times since losing my virginity and I’ve failed EVERY TIME I didn’t press into Christ during my horny moments.
Side note, he doesn’t have to come to me white as snow. Hell, I don’t even have this celibacy thing down pack so I don’t expect him to be perfect in this area. However, I do expect him to be a man of God and through his daily growth in Him, he surrenders his desires and struggles to Christ.
Let me know your thoughts in the comments or email (firstname.lastname@example.org) them to me! If you want prayer, you can email me as well. I love chatting with y’all!