I recently experienced a type of hurt that made me reflect on my past hurts. Coincidentally, all situations left me feeling the same; unappreciated, devalued and unworthy. Then I had a moment where I cried out to God trying to make sense of why I constantly felt this way after I put myself out there for people often.

God spoke to me through a friend a couple days later by asking “do you love people how they want to be loved?”

Whew that knocked me a bit off balance. Granted, I was on an escalator with heels on and had two glasses of champagne in me but the point is that it was my “a ha” moment.

Naturally, I’m a giver and that’s how I express love. Whether it is through gifting, my time or attention; I overextend myself (even when inconvenient) for those I love. I can admit, that I may not be the most affectionate person or even the best listener, but when it comes to giving, your girl’s got GOLD! And as brilliant of a giver as I am, the love that I’m intently pouring out may not be (usually isn’t) received in the same manner as someone who doesn’t speak my love language.

And girl, the same goes for you. If you find that the love you give is not well received or devalued, it’s probably because you’re speaking in a language the other person doesn’t understand. Crazy to think that this whole time, you thought that those people were ungrateful and selfish when in fact, your expression has just been foreign to them.

Does that mean that loving that person whether it be a significant other, family, friend, co-worker, etc. isn’t meant to be?

No, not at all.

It just simply means is that if you want that person in your life, you need to learn a new language — their love language. It may seem uncomfortable and unnatural at first but real love is worth all the work you may need to put in.

Now you’re probably asking how do I discover their love language? You know I got you, girl. I’d never give you the appetizer without the entree.

Ask them

If the way that you’re loving them isn’t working, just ask them what makes them feel loved. You can even take it a step further by asking them how do they want to be loved.

Take the 5 Love Languages quiz and then read the book

This is good when the other person doesn’t really know how they want to be loved. Plus it’s such a fun activity to do together.

Bottom line is that love is NOT selfish and you can’t expect to be a great lover when you love on your terms. Dig deep and figure out how the people who matter in your life want to be loved, and learn to express love in that way.

You’ll see friendships flourish, your family grow closer and your relationship become better. It’s all gains and no loses.


Monique Love

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